Part II: We Don’t All Fly
That’s right: individuals on the Climbers of Color Board had voted no, effectively blocking me from becoming a board member in the very organization I had helped to build over the last 5 years. One person voted no and another one abstained from voting (in solidarity with the no vote person). Per our bylaws, the vote has to be unanimously yes for someone to get on the board. To say I was crushed would be an understatement; I did not believe I was entitled to a seat, however, I think I am one of the strongest candidates to have one. How did this happen?
In order to fully comprehend what went down, we first have to look at dynamics and structure within the leadership group. To recap: the board is made up of directors and past directors at this time. If we look closely, we will also notice that this structure is inherently flawed. Directors who are charged with programming and completing their job are in a position of power on the board. This means that they are their own boss: there is and never has been a person or entity to hold directors accountable for their expected roles.
Now, this is very important to remember. When CoC first started, it was people who just did what they felt was appropriate. There was little oversight and no accountability for directors. I would say this structure worked to a point. For a self starter like myself it was amazing: I could take on as much or as little as I wanted. The core of my position as director of rock instruction was to have programming go smoothly. Everything else was just bonus work. But as time went on, there were obvious cracks in the structure, or lack thereof.
As a more intense worker type person, I do admit to taking on a lot. I am in a privileged position where I am settled at my regular job and had a lot of free time to dedicate to the cause, which I did. Therefore, I took on other projects outside of my position as rock director. And here is how the circle of things went: I would put forward a proposal to the board, they would vote yes. Let’s move forward with this. I would require information from all the branches of the organization to get the job done, and then I would finish the project. Sounds simple, but what ended up happening was a longer road than this.
To illustrate my point, I am going to use one very specific example: guide uniforms. People on the board had expressed multiple times that our guides of color on the mountain had been experiencing micro agressions. And the proposed fix was to have a professional looking uniform for our guides, complete with our organization logo. I did not intend to take on this project, but when speaking to one of our for profit clothing partners they mentioned providing us with outdoor clothing. With further discussions it became apparent that they would be able to outfit our small guide team for all branches. I brought this idea to the board and they enthusiastically agreed it was a good fit. Naturally since I was the person already speaking to this clothing partner, I would be the one to organize this.
Since I am not a mountaineer or skier and since I would not want to impose my opinion on other directors for what the appropriate clothing items may be, I would send out communications requesting information (specific clothing items, sizes, colors, etc). I would provide a timeline as well as a specific deadline for which to provide me with the requested information. It was imperative I could hand over the information to the partner clothing company by a certain date so the items could arrive before the start of the guiding season. I would stress this and also send out reminders about needing this information.
Time would pass and there would always be one director I would rarely hear from. Even with my reminders and stressing why we needed that information by a certain date and even providing a document in which to simply drop the information into, I would hear nothing. When the deadline was a few days away or had passed, I would be a little frustrated. It’s not the end of the world, however, this director was also on the board and had voted yes to moving forward with whatever the project may be (in this example, guide uniforms). So why was it so difficult for me to get information from this person?
Not knowing what to do, I would then email the entire board asking for the missing information and explain why I could not complete the project yet. I felt it appropriate to keep them in the loop should the project flop due to missing information. The director who would drag feet would later call this a “blame and shame” tactic. Looking back now, I can see that this cycle of behavior from me as being inevitable. What would anyone do in that situation? The board was supposed to be the entity to hold people accountable. And yet, whenever I sent these emails out it was usually met with silence. The board would not hold this director responsible, therefore, I became the enforcer. I became the person who was a thorn in that director’s side because I was the accountability clerk all of a sudden.
I suppose in this particular example I did have a choice. If that person blew the deadline I could have simply not ordered their branch uniforms. I chose to never go this route though because I believed an entire branch should not suffer due to one person not doing their job as director. So I chose the lesser of the two evils: keeping the board in the loop about why a deadline was blown and looking for support from them.
I am sad to say that I ran in this circle with that particular person for over 4 years. Four years I did this terrible dance. The frustration and anger I felt some days would only be quelled by the notion that I was taking the high ground and not making the community suffer. I did not enter into the game of a tit for tat: I would forgive and forget. I held my own and am proud to say that I treated this particular director the way I would want to be treated: by answering every email, text, slack message, and communication as well as making deadlines set by other people. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was good they would treat me in kind some day. But that never happened.
The pattern continued until one day I hit my breaking point in early 2023. And it began with the disrespect of a Black woman contractor.
Remaining sections:
Part III: I’m Certain that I’m Weathered
Part IV: I’m Not Gonna Tiptoe No More I Swore I’d Leave It Here
Part V: Right Now What Cha’ll Want Gonna Lose to What Cha’ll Need to Hear
Part VI: The Kind that Poems Could Never Capture the Longing Of
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