Hidden Figures in POC Spaces: The Follow Up

Also available as a Podcast on Spotify

“Still don’t know my origin

Still don’t know who’s listening

Still can’t tell the difference between

Strength and my conditioning

Something’s in the water

I think there’s something in the water

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

I’ve been gone a while now

Never thought I’d come back to this

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh

I heard we been falling down

Watchu mean we’re falling down to this

I don’t get this fuckery

This was never taught to me

I don’t know how we got here

Oh so suddenly

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

I’m standing at the border

And there’s something in this water…”

-Water (If Only They Knew) by Kojey Radical feat. Mahalia

How do I even start a follow up to the Hidden Figures article and podcast on my experience in leadership at Climbers of Color (CoC)? How do I feel about the aftermath and what has happened since then? What does moving forward look like? Were policies changed? Relationships mended?

All the important questions start with why. I have been asked numerous times why I decided to go public about the entire situation. Why I felt the need to speak aloud to express my situation. Why would I share publicly about this?

So let’s go back to right after I was excluded from the CoC board and why I decided to go public. It was around December 18th, 2023. CoC has an internal Slack with all leadership, coordinators, and volunteers able to access it. Naturally there are some private channels catered to certain leadership and coordinator positions. And I was on a leadership channel and another one with leadership and coordinators. I knew that I was no longer a part of the board and my new job description as Rock Team Instructor is neither leadership nor coordinator. I know what it’s like having to hunt down every channel that someone is on to remove them when their position changes, so I wanted to create as little ripples as possible on my exit. Although I did not agree with the outcome and was not happy about it, I was going to comply. I respect the organization too much to do anything else.

I removed myself from the leadership channel. And then I removed myself from the shared leadership and coordinators channel while leaving a goodbye note before exiting. The coordinators had no idea what just went down concerning the no vote to block me from continuing on as a board member, so I also felt it my duty to explain my sudden exit from the channel. The channel is full of people I interact with quite often; and quite a few of them I also assisted in choosing for their positions as well as guiding them at first. They all mean a lot to me as well as their work. I could not leave without saying goodbye and giving a reason for leaving the channel.

And it did not come without sadness of course. As I wrote my explanation and departed the channel, I felt I was doing the right thing. I was being respectful yet truthful. They were going to find out eventually and I wanted to be the one to tell them. I knew it may also be difficult for the board to explain.

The message I left was very similar to this: “Hi everyone. In my transition from Director of Rock Instruction, I put forward a proposal to remain on as a board member to the board. The vote for that to happen has to be unanimous. My proposal did not pass with one no vote and one abstain. Therefore, I am no longer a board member or in leadership so it is inappropriate for me to be on this channel. I want to thank you all for your hard work over the years and it has been awesome working with you. I adore you all.” I did not name the two people whose votes I referred to.

Now, I do not have proof of this message outside of others having witnessed it and confirming having seen it because it was erased. That’s right: after I left the channel and it was up for less than 12 hours, it was erased. There are 4 people in leadership who have the workspace privilege to erase information in Slack. I am one of them. Out of the remaining 3, I asked 2 of them and they claimed they did not. The process of elimination left one person: the deadline missing voting no director. The same person I had a previous conflict with. I did not ask him to confirm this transgression but deep down I just knew after everyone else expressed they hadn’t erased it.

That was it for me: my tipping point. Up until then I was extremely hurt and confused, however, I had not decided 100% to put out an article on this topic. I had written the article already as a form of release, but I was still uncertain about taking it that far. Until this happened.

The way I perceived this was a way of silencing my voice. And that’s exactly what it was. Why would someone go as far as erasing a message that was not about them and did not name them? To me it seemed this person was then going to attempt to bury what had happened. And I was not ok with that.

Of course, I expressed this concern to the CoC board members: it was totally inappropriate. I feel everything in my statement was true as well as appropriate. And yet, I felt like I couldn’t win. I was still trying to be myself: to do something I thought appropriate and reasonable and this person was still attacking me. I felt stuck and personally fearful about my continued interaction in the group.

I would love to tell you that I left: that I chose myself above everything else. That I threw up my hands and said “Enough. I’m out” and walked off and lived happily ever after. And for a time, I thought seriously about it. It wore on my consciousness heavily. I was extremely sick the rest of December into January and I knew I could not continue like this. I took a sabbatical once again in order to regain my health. I felt he had won: I had no course of action with him policing my every move within a space controlled by him. And what’s worse is I heard in the January board meeting the issue of him erasing my message on the coordinators’ Slack channel was never brought up. Had he gotten away with his behavior yet again? It was all too much for me.

I didn’t leave completely. For now I have chosen to take refuge on the side of the organization I built: rock instruction. As Rock Team Instructor, I have obligations at least for this season that I will dutifully fulfill because there are people I deeply care about whom I want to work with. The goals I have for my guiding do not rely on me being a board member, therefore, I will continue on as is for now.

If I wanted to fight this, I had some options though. Members of the community can always put forward a proposal to the board. If I wanted to, I could have put in a proposal to change the unanimous vote to get back on the board. But I didn’t have to: there were board members who expressed wanting to change the unanimous vote policy. And I was too sick to think about anything else besides regaining my health. I was done: feeling very defeated by the whole thing. I saw a glimmer of hope from the other board members; but even if they changed it would I even want it anymore?

You have to understand that this entire thing shook me very deeply. If our organization that I had put so much stock into was supposed to change things for the better had an incident like this: who’s to say that we really changed anything at all? The dysfunctional cycles we ran in, I ran in, had finally come to a head and threatened to divide and erode the entire organization if we were not careful.

I felt strength from certain members of the board. I do not feel like they were taking sides in proposing another voting policy because it’s lunacy to have a unanimous voting requirement. No other boards have that regulation and it is not equitable. So if at least not for me, it’s for the good of the organization.

I was approached gently by a board member in January who let me know the policy had been changed to a two-thirds majority vote. They were wondering if I wanted to revisit becoming a board member again. And honestly, I was very close to saying no for multiple reasons.

In the end, I decided I did not want that other director I was having conflict with to feel like he had accomplished his mission of silencing me. That he had succeeded in eradicating me and my voice. I agreed to have a proposal put in on my behalf to be reinstated as a board member. At last I would have my seat, right?

Well, some things just never come easily. And I was expecting it to be an uphill battle anyway: but I had people who wanted to see me inducted back onto the board. And so I agreed and the proposal was put forward in February to have me reinstated. And this time the no vote remained the same, but he had swayed the former abstaining voter to a no as well. But those two votes in the end did not affect my reinstatement. Enough people had voted yes to have the proposal pass. I am grateful to every one of those people and to those not on the board who came forward and expressed to leadership that they felt I should be on the board. Thank you everyone for our hard work. You are the reasons I stay involved in the organization. I adore you all very much.

Of course, there was still the question of how to move forward. I have attended board meetings since where emotions have run high due to other proposed policy changes related to the entire situation. It’s toxic for everyone involved. Instead of board meetings being fun places to gather with colleagues, it’s a chore no one enjoys anymore. To help relieve this tension it has been decided that the no vote director and myself should engage in some professionally guided mediation.

I have consented to this process and we will be engaging in it. What happens in those sessions will be completely confidential and I will never be sharing them publicly. We shall see what happens. I am not optimistic, but I will engage in the process anyway because I am that type of person who will always at least do what I think is the right thing.

I personally think this is completely necessary. I truly believe that this particular director has no empathy nor concept of the impact his actions have had upon me despite me voicing them several times. For example, one of the first board meetings I attended from my forced sabbatical he did request, practically demand, that I take up a project I was working on as a board member before I was forced out. The level of sickness…of twisting came as a sad surprise to me. He wanted me to continue on the project and was angry that I had “left us high and dry” in the process. I left because I was forced out. And to imply that I did not finish my job and it was my fault for not completing the project is a whole nother level of insanity. But this time I stood my ground and confidently said that it is not my job nor my responsibility anymore. I have grown: and I do not want to run in these debilitating circles anymore. Even though I am still part of the organization, in a way I am free like I have never been before. I feel fully empowered to say no because if I had said yes to taking up this project again, it would have signaled to everyone that it is ok to treat me badly and I will always come back to run in these dysfunctional circles. I no longer feel expendable in order to keep the peace for the good of the organization. Well, no more. It stops now.

And although I am not able to share what will be discussed or taking place in these mediated sessions: there is one last detail I would like to share. Recently it came to my attention that without board consent, I was also taken off administrative privileges in our online Slack group as well. And once again, all the other administrators had no idea this had occurred. Leaving the process of elimination once again to conclude the same person who erased my Slack message also revoked my administrator privileges. And so this person has really stepped on my last nerve and I am ready to publicly name who has caused all this grief. It is Don Nguyen. But at this point I have heard more unsavory stories than I would like about his conduct so I think I owe it to the community to be up front about my experiences with him. I wish him no ill will and I will therefore most likely not be naming him again but I also wanted it to be clear who it is I have been having this experience with. I wish you well, however, you cannot continue to treat people like this.

In the end, I have been steadily moving away from the organization. I am happy to do my part within the scope of my current position, however, there are other opportunities out there. As I began to look around I realized there is an entire climbing world out there for me to interact with and continue my work. I found that my world was so small in this affinity space and by looking outward I have stumbled upon other opportunities. I have recently become a board member for both the Washington Climbers Coalition and Refuge Outdoor Festival. I like to say that affinity spaces are a place to build confidence and maybe even have opportunities that may not have been available to you outside of that space. Well for me that is true: I was able to be a leader and architect. So in a way, the affinity space has assisted me greatly in becoming more qualified and equipped to branch out to other organizations to do work for them. And for that I am grateful: I will always have a special place in my heart for Climbers of Color. It has been a long, complicated relationship but I am glad I went through it all to be able to grow.

As time went on after I shared my story, other stories from Black people had started to trickle in about their experiences in affinity spaces. And I wondered: if there were a few, maybe there were more? Would it be beneficial to use this platform to amplify these messy stories of affinity spaces? For me it is a resounding yes. I have opened up Rock Rose Blog to others to share their stories and the following documentation is what was shared. Buckle up and get ready to hear from other hidden figures in affinity spaces in the near future.

The story continues in Hidden Figures: The Villain Arc.

Works Cited