Hidden Figures in POC Spaces

Part IV: I’m Not Gonna Tiptoe No More I Swore I’d Leave It Here

   With Keith out of the accountant position, we were all waiting for the account to be changed over by the deadline missing director so we could move forward with business as usual. And slowly but surely, finances started building up because the account was never changed over. I personally had over $300 in reimbursements due to me from money I had put forward for rock programming items. I also had important things such as putting a deposit down to run our first BIPoC Single Pitch Instructor course in conjunction with a local guiding company. The deposit was to ensure the booking of the single pitch instructor provider, Ting Ting Yi. If it was not given in a timely manner, we would be breaking our Memorandum of Understanding timeline with the guiding company and possibly lose the booking. I had worked so hard over the years for this course to be a reality and we were finally there.

   So the beginning of 2023 started out tensely. As the year progressed and June rolled around, I was in a general state of panic: I couldn’t pay the guiding company, I couldn’t get my own personal money back, and I could not pay the DEIJ contractor who we owed over $1000 for services rendered. Again. Our guiding season was just starting and I had no idea how we were going to pay people. And here I was in the same position apologizing to everyone and doing damage control: yet another thing to swallow whole.

   I did reach out to this director multiple times prior to June, mostly with no reply back. I was cordial and to the point, but my patience was wearing thin. And once again, the board was not holding this person accountable whenever I brought it up.

   So I did the only thing I could do: I took a sabbatical. It has been common practice for me to take time off completely from affinity work during the year and I recommend everyone do so. But this time was to untie the knot in my chest and stomach from the frustration of the current situation. It was all very overwhelming.

   The only reason I had been reaching out to this director about the finances was because I felt the need to stress why this was so important. Essentially, the entire organization ground to a halt in operations because we could not access our money. And there was only silence from this director. What was to be done?

   When I take a sabbatical I send out a calendar invite to all leadership and coordinators alerting them to the date I would be back and this time was no different. I needed space as I felt I may let loose some unkind words toward this director if we interacted. I was very tired and frustrated.

   And of course, I was then contacted by them even after I made it clear I was on leave. They texted me on June 19th with “Hey Crystal I’m working with the bank again on the online account matter.” To which I replied, “I am on leave from CoC. Please talk to [blank] and do not text me again until July 17th, if I am back at that time.”

   I set a boundary. I admit that in the past when on leave and a director contacts me, I would break my own boundaries to do what needs to be done, but in this case I was very upset. I needed space. But then again the very next day, the director texts me again: “Yes the process has begun again to get online access to our bank.” I could not believe my eyes. I had drawn a boundary to which they had completely ignored, which was very normal for them. But this time, for the first time in 5 years I had enough. I replied with “[blank], I have set a boundary with you which you have crossed and I don’t appreciate it. I am on leave, possibly indefinitely, as I am that pissed for multiple reasons regarding this situation. The only thing I want to hear from CoC is that I am getting the money owed and offered to me and everyone I have been apologizing to. I will consider returning after that.” To which they did not reply: no apology, no explanation, nothing. Only a text in August about the Queer Mountaineers plagiarism as if nothing had happened.

   And unfortunately, this was the norm. Blown deadlines, ignoring me, etc all forgotten and forgiven by me for us to return to business as usual. But something had changed in me. I had started therapy in 2022 and I could see how toxic this was. How it hurt me. And how my worth and boundaries were not respected.

   But in the midst of this all, I made a mistake. I am not proud to say that I became petty for a time. I was working on a new project after this for the board, which meant I needed information from the other branches again. The board approved it and for some reason this same director wanted to know what companies I was working with to get the project done. I thought it strange, seeing as how the board had already approved the project and was not concerned with the companies I was consulting with. The board trusts me and my process. I have proven time and time again I am responsible, trustworthy, and deliver on performance. But the director would not let it go: this director had to know the names of the companies and relentlessly asked me for the information. At last I could have my revenge: after 5 years of showing them who I was by being the bigger person I chose to ignore the requests. One time. And I want to emphasize one time because I had never done this before: be petty. I always answered all communications: but not this time.

   It was not my finest hour. But surely, if I could take it for 5 years, this director could take it one time? Apparently not. They did the same thing I did when I did not hear from them: they brought the board in to request the information. Suddenly, the tables were turned and the director did not like it one bit: I could tell and I was secretly a little thrilled.

   But, people, this is not the path forward. Doing unto others what they have done to you is also toxic. Sure, it may have felt great in the moment but what was it accomplishing in the long run for me? What type of person was I becoming? Did I like the person I was becoming?

   In the long run, it did not make me a better…anything really. It did not help anything, it did not resolve anything.

Remaining sections:

Part V: Right Now What Cha’ll Want Gonna Lose to What Cha’ll Need to Hear

Part VI: The Kind that Poems Could Never Capture the Longing Of